


Life is like a box of chocolates

by lantia4ever



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky is on a mission, Chocolates are love, F/M, First Kiss, HYDRA hates Valentine's Day, Humor, Iron Fedex, Lonaargh, M/M, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff, confetti, kinda!crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 10:17:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6002179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lantia4ever/pseuds/lantia4ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...you never know what you gonna get.</p><p>Tony is stuck delivering chocolate gift boxes to participants of an online Valentine’s Day Exchange as a punishment for his recent behavior in battle and it ruins his romantic plans. Depressed, bored and angry at no one in particular (well…at Steve) he decides to carry out his punishment and then drown in alcohol later. All alone.</p><p>Bucky has troubles understanding what is Valentine’s Day all about these days but that doesn't stop him from giving himself a Valentine’s Day mission.</p><p>And Steve is all kinds of oblivious, because he's Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life is like a box of chocolates

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone and Happy Valentine's Day! We are all loved today so here, have tons of chocolates! *chocolate avalanche falls on the readers*
> 
> This Valentine's Day special was inspired by a discussion me and [Lonaargh](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonaargh/pseuds/Lonaargh) had about international post and how it sucks. So I thought Iron Man could serve mankind greatly if he took it upon himself to safely deliver the post...at least for a day...and for this very special occasion. 
> 
> Hope you'll like it! ^^
> 
> Not BETAed! As always I claim every single insult to the English grammar. Title is from Forrest Gump ^^
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the universe or characters depicted in this story. All belongs to their respective owners!

**[>>> Story Soundtrack <3 <<<](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bRAtV-jgoQ&index=2&list=PLk09tmeXpLmDIVFocyVMPy_1ygfDeFk3D)**

 

        I should have known this wouldn't be so easy.

        "I don't get it, Steve," Bucky mumbles, staring intently into the StarkPad I handed him. I found a site detailing the traditions surrounding the modern Valentine’s Day and naively thought it will be enough for the reformed HYDRA assassin to understand the holiday.

        Clearly, I miscalculated.

        "It's so simple, Buck! You're supposed to give chocolates to those you love. Or a Valentine card just like we used to do, remember? Any kind of gift, really. And if you have a dame then you take her out on a date...and give her flowers and..."

        He watches me, unamused, even though I grow redder and redder in the cheeks with every word.

        "I don't get it," he repeats and pushes the StarkPad back to me.

        I sigh, rubbing my neck with my hand tiredly. "Well, it’s tomorrow so...maybe you can watch and learn? And next year you can participate," I suggest hopefully but Bucky just frowns.

        "SHIELD BROTHERS!" Thor booms from the elevator and enters the common area, cape flying dramatically behind him...and Vision literally flying behind him. Thor clasps Bucky's shoulder in his mighty grip and leans toward him mischievously. "Do not lose heart, metal hand brother! I had also been baffled by this Midgardian tradition celebrating love and comradery you call Valentine’s Day...but I have followed instructions of the mighty Captain and prevailed! Jane was delighted! Loki...not so much," he frowns. "I gave him chocolates to signify my brotherly love toward him...he threw them on the ground and stomped on them...repeatedly. He continues to be baffled by the tradition, I'm afraid."

        "I'm sure he'll come around, Thor," I smile reassuringly at him, even though I know the chances of the God of Mischief accepting chocolates from his brother are next to nonexistent. "What about you, Vision?"

        The man is apparently brought out of his own musings by my voice. "I indeed understand the tradition. JARVIS...he enjoyed the day, because he could observe Tony inventing the craziest of ideas to impress his loved ones. I believe a gigantic chocolate heart filled with alcohol was once delivered to Colonel Rhodes. Miss Potts also received one, but it was white with chocolate mousse inside. Tony always had fun on Valentine’s Day...even if his gifts were...rather obnoxious."

        I cringe at all the imagery of the insane ideas Tony undoubtedly thought of and executed, but Bucky's head perks up in interest for a second there, before he shifts sideways and glares at the ceiling.

        "Well, he sure ain't gonna have no fun this year," Clint mandrops on the couch from God knows where, smirking smugly. "He's still mad at you, by the way," he tells me.

        Ah, yes. The punishment. "He shouldn't have behaved so recklessly in battle last week then. He deserves a little community service if nothing else."

        The battle almost went all kinds of wrong...Tony managed to save the day, but we almost failed to save _him_. If Bucky wasn't so quick to shield the armor-less engineer from a piece of falling concrete...thankfully he was, but I refused to just let this stunt go, hence the punishment.

        "Sure thing...just sayin' he's probably making up ten thousand ways to make your life hell right now," Clint adds.

        "Making him deliver the gifts from this...Valentine’s Day chocolate exchange you found online does indeed seem to be an extreme punishment for him," Vision mentions, lips quirking in a satisfied smile.

        Stark was quite offended when I told him, that's true.

 

        _"You fucking kidding me?!"_

        _"Language! Or you'll be doing the Easter exchange one as well!_

        _"No, nope. I refuse to do this. Nah uh! I am Iron Man, not Iron FedEx!"_

        _"On Sunday you are. Better go prepare...unless you want the alternative punishment of course. That one involves a whole lot of workshop, alcohol and iron man suit bans not to mention - "_

        _"Jesus! Fine! I'll spend my entire Sunday delivering valentine bloody chocolates around the world to complete strangers. Great! Don't expect any from me, Rogers, this means war!"_

 

        He stormed away to lock himself inside his workshop and haven't emerged since. FRIDAY is our only indication that he is very much alive and still furious. And the ever-snooping Clint, I guess.

        "Online chocolate exchange?" Bucky asks, casting a raised eyebrow my way.

        "Yeah...it's usually for people who don't know each other and want to make a new friend or just brighten someone’s day. It's supposed to be a happy holiday - romantic even - but for some it might be...depressing. For many reasons. So people can sign up, get someone's address and send them a package and someone else will also send them one."

        Bucky looks confused - again - but nods slowly. "I understand now," he adds and backs out of the slowly crowding room, passing Natasha in the doorway with piercing, narrowed eyes. I still don't know if they are still weary of each other or if that's their version of flirting.

        Judging by Natasha's almost bored expression, I'd say it's the weariness. Natasha flirts with death glares.

        "Stark still cursing his fate barricaded in the workshop?" she asks, casually picking up on the conversation.

        "Yup...can't really blame him. Got hardcore punishment and doesn't have anyone to woo him on Valentine’s Day since Pepper br - ouch!" he squeaks, rubbing over his ribs where Natasha elbowed him. "You meanie!" he fakes a sob and glares at the other spy.

        I continue bantering with everyone until late night. Bruce, Wanda and Sam show up too and a heated discussion about our Valentine’s Day plans ensues...which leads to Vision and Wanda disappearing from the room as soon as it’s their turn to spill the plans - as if we didn't know what was going on there.

        I can't help but think about Bucky though. He's gotten so much better since moving into the Tower, but some things are still difficult for him. Like grasping certain social concepts.

        Definitely not for the lack of trying though. He took everything like a mission. A challenge. Like that Secret Santa this Christmas. He drew Tony - of all people, and spent two weeks pretty much stalking the engineer to decide what the best present would be. In the end, Tony unwrapped an imaginative array of metal themed sex toys - which had everyone dying from laughter...or embarrassment. Tony was shamelessly pleased though and just smirked and thanked Bucky, who then spent the rest of Christmas Eve grinning in satisfaction.

        A challenge or a mission...well, whatever works for him, I'll give my blessing to it. But who knows what he's got planned for Valentine’s.

 

**xxxTONYxxx**

 

        "Where to next, FRIDAY?" I ask, hurriedly taking off the lawn of some 16 year old crazy fangirl who looked like she wanted to grab me instead of the chocolates.

        “New York to pick up the next batch of chocolates and then Russia."

        Fucking great. I knew this was going to suck but nobody prepared me for the actual suckfest this would become. It's almost 6 PM and by this time I'd be usually...doing something fun...instead I'm still on bitch duty.

        And for what?! For saving lives of civilians! I should just become an evil overlord because obviously being the good guy keeps backfiring on me.

        I've had this most amazing plan all ready for today...it would have been glorious! Instead I'm playing postman.

        Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a little role-playing, but in a very... _very_ different situation. One I definitely had in mind for _someone_ …after two, three dates. One of which was supposed to be today!

        So much for that plan. I'll be lucky if I'm home before midnight and with my current mood, I'll just open the bar and drown all my sorrows, unrequited feelings and UST in overpriced alcohol.

        Pushing these thoughts aside, I land in front of what looks like a barn...in the middle of nowhere fucking Siberia.

        "FRIDAY? You sure your GPS isn't acting up again?"

        "I'm sure it isn't, boss."

        "Because if I say Hawaii and end up in Kazakhstan again, I'm replacing you with Dummy."

        "Whatever you say, boss," she dares talk back and goes silent.

        I fish out one of the packages from my awesome Iron Backpack and go knock on the door.

        After a minute, it opens to reveal a harsh looking man, all dressed in the latest ninja fashion. Or assassin...nope, let's not think about _that_.

        The guy widens his eyes and looks like he might actually pull a pistol from somewhere. Instead he waits.

        "Happy Valentine’s Day from your Heart Exchangee," I say, glad my helmet masks the embarrassed face I sport every time I'm forced to recite this stupid phrase.

        The guy looks equally annoyed but grabs the box, ripping it open immediately. The packages are usually full of chocolates and other sweets, which is why this one blows my mind.

        Almost literally because _what the actual fuck_ , the box _explodes_! Kinda harmlessly but still! It _explodes_ into...confetti. Goddamn heart shaped, glitter covered confetti!

        The guy is stunned for a second there, looking down into what's left of the box, where there's a note written in Russian:

        С любовью, Зимний Солдат. Скоро увидимся. Обнимаю и целую.

        I can't read it let alone understand it, but the guy looks terrified as he drops the box and bolts inside the...barn...thingie.

        Well...that was...fun? I burst out laughing and if Friday hadn't taken over I'd still be there, laughing my ass off.

        I thought that was the highlight of the day...something nice to remember at least but oh booooy was I wrong. Apparently this particular batch of chocolates is some kinda prank exchange thing because it only escalates from the confetti one. There are living white doves, pink flower petals, champagne, a rainbow explosion made of M&M's...by the time Friday announces the last delivery it's 10 PM, my stomach hurts and my face will probably never lose the smile.

        So I tell FRIDAY to take me to the last location and giggle helplessly the entire way to...the Tower?

        “FRIDAY, I swear to God, I wasn’t kidding about replacing you with Dummy.”

        “The Tower is the final destination, boss,” she says ominously while touching down on the landing pad.

        I let the armor disassemble, but take the last box out of the Backpack and walk into my living room.

        “What the hell…is this some kinda joke?” I ask no one in particular when I read the box is addressed to _me_. Great, so what’s it gonna be now? An _actual_ explosion?!

        Which is when Fury’s furious voice barks from the penthouse intercom almost making me drop the box. “Stark! The hell are you doin’?!”

        “Um…standing in my living room probably about to get blown up?” I frown in confusion.

        “The hell you are! My sources are tellin’ me ya straight up visited almost fifty known HYDRA operatives - including top dangerous spies and assassins - while delivering chocolate motherfucking Valentines, Stark!”

        Wait…what? “Did someone spike your black bitter soul - I mean coffee - with the fun stuff, Nickie?”

        “Stark, I ain’t kidding. We are watching those people, we’ve got it all on tape! Why in God’s name are ya bringing Valentines to HYDRA?!”

        “Yeah um, talk to you later, bye!” I tell him and have FRIDAY cut the feed. “FRIDAY, get that footage, will ya? I might need a laugh after I down the first two bottles of whiskey…well, if I survive opening this box.”

        “Should be safe enough.”

        I whirl around, coming face to face with - oh. _Oh_.

        “This one on the other hand…this one is most definitely _not_ safe,” Bucky adds, bringing up another box, just like the one I’m holding and I inspect the name carefully printed on there.

        _Steve Rogers._

        A smirk cracks my already hurting facial muscles and I look up into those grey, intense eyes. “You…,” I blurt out, very unlike myself. But it’s not every day a former hot ass HYDRA assassin sends you on the most hilarious ride around the world _delivering prank Valentines_ to definitely _not_ _former_ HYDRA assassins.

        “Me,” he mirrors my smirk and what a rare sight that is. So you can’t blame a guy for staring intently at said persons lips. It’s for science! “Open it,” he nods at the box I’m still holding.

        I give him a suspicious squint and hesitantly open the package.

        …

        There’s no confetti, no doves, no explosion.

        Just a scribbled note in Cyrillic I still can’t read.

        Я тебя люблю.

        “What does it say?” I look up again only to almost jump a mile away from Bucky, who somehow teleported three steps ahead right into my personal space. But I manage to remain standing there, under the scrutiny of the most dangerous person I know…and I know _the Hulk_ \- that says something.

        He looks almost…shy right there. And it’s adorable. “Just a lil’ sumthin’.”

        “Should I be…terrified? Because all those Hydra agents looked pretty stricken by whatever note you left for them,” I say suggestively, moving a sliver closer to the man, just enough to feel that extreme body heat radiating from him.

        “Oh ya should be…positively terrified. So here’s the plan, metal man. You, me, dinner, tonight. But first,” he grins wide and toothy and I sure as hell had never seen anything more scary and arousing at the same time. Perhaps with the exception of Benedict Cumberbatch doing his Smaug voice. This grin is definitely right up there with that. “First we go watch Steve open his Valentine.”

        “Is that supposed to woo me, Sergeant Barnes?” I grin deviously, so close now our noses are almost touching.

        “It will make you laugh. That was my mission here all along. The wooing part comes right after,” he replies, not moving away.

        “I see,” I give him a smile that I hope conveys exactly how I feel about this. “A little preview, maybe?”

        He leans forward and…whispers in my ear?!

        “You big tease, you…wait…what did you say?” I recover, realizing what he just told me.

        “That’s what is says on the note,” he whispers and with a wink he moves away, walking to the elevator.

        “Well…I’m…positively terrified,” I utter as soon as I stop gaping at his retreating form and start stumbling after him.

 

        Later that night, a certain Stars Spangled superhero opens a Valentine box…only for it to explode into a splash of red, white & blue paint, immediately followed by red, white & blue confetti hearts, covering said superhero from head to toe. And if FRIDAY starts playing the national anthem just then, nobody comments on it because they are too busy choking on their giggles.

        …while a certain pair of partly metal men is too busy kissing around the corner.

        And if Fury calls in a week later all suspicious about why are there almost fifty dead HYDRA operatives with heart shaped confetti splattered on their bodies, Steve - the traitor - just tells him _someone_ misunderstood Valentine’s Day _completely_.

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of the Russian bits:
> 
> >With love from the Winter Soldier. See you soon. Hugs and kisses.
> 
> >I love you


End file.
